Hey sweetie, you ain't foolin anyone with that hat

You think you're pretty smart, don't you? You heard me. I'm talking to you across the bar with your trendy hat trying to cover up that horse face of yours.

Nice try.

That was the dialogue running through my mind on Saturday night. I saw this chick walk past me with one of those trendy hats that women wear to appear sexy and mysterious. It really pisses me off.

Now, she was definitely hot. Great body, long blonde hair, huge boobs, some army pants with a tank top - all good things. But as soon as I saw that hat, I knew there was something wrong.

"Dude, she's wearing the hat to hide something," Mark said.

"You're right. It's like she's trying to be all secretive and shit, but I think there's a reason for it," I replied.

We didn't think much of it. In fact, I specifically chose NOT to give her any attention. Because women who wear hats like that, along with the women who make out with other women in bars with their passive-aggressive-female-look-at-me-look-at-me tactics, are not worth my time. Or my eyes.

Then about an hour later, it all came clear. Mark and I were dancing on the floor. We saw the chick to our left grinding up on this guy who was at least 40, and may or may not have been the main character in a porn I once saw called "Weapons of Ass Destruction 2: Anal-ation."

Given that, it didn't surprise us to see that Barbie had removed her hat (prolly after a few drinks) only to reveal that she was, in fact, over 40. That's right. She was old. And a butterface. She WAS hiding something! We knew it all along. Good from far but far from good.

So, my message to you women out there who wear those ridiculous faux hats, afghan size fat girl shawls, enormous Paris Hilton insect glasses that cover your entire face or any other pseudo-stylish accessory that attempts to make you look sexier, let it go. You're ugly. And that's ok. There's nothing wrong with being ugly. A lot of guys will still find you attractive. But for Christ's sake, keep it real. Don't try to be hot if you're not. Because we can tell. And it turns us off.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM STUFF I'VE DONE

Men might be stupid, but we're not dumb.