I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch

I woke up last Monday with a horrible pain in my stomach. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It wasn't nausea and I didn't have the runs. So, the only thought was: it's gotta be food poisoning.

AGAIN. I've already had it three times this year. So either I have the most unlucky, cursed digestive system in the world; or I have some serious issues with my eating habits.

Turns out, it's the latter.

When one is stricken with food poisoning - or is suspicious thereof - one must localize it. My first thought was Sunday night's dinner. I stopped off at BW3's before heading over to the movie theater. My dinner consisted of:

24 chicken wings (12 hot and 12 spicy garlic)

a large basket of potato wedges with cheese

6 pickles

about 8 diet cokes. DIET cokes.

So maybe it was that.

Or...

Maybe it was Sunday's lunch at the food court in the mall. Panda Express was the choice. I had a "pick two plate," which included:

low mein noodles

kung pao chicken

pepper steack

Not to mention three fortune cookies and, yes, another DIET coke.

So maybe it was that.

Or....

Maybe it was earlier Sunday morning at 1:25 AM when I stopped off at the Shell station to pick up a late night snack after bar hopping. Well, I guess it wasn't so much a late night snack as much as it was a late night shite buffet:

THREE, count 'em THREE, Tobasco flavored slim jims - each of which was at least 14 inches long

a half bag of Dolly Madison chocolate donuts

a liter of DIET Dr. Pepper

a 99 cent bag of Chester Cheetah's finest spicy nacho popcorn

So maybe it was that.

Or...

Maybe it was my late lunch at Ferrato's Pizza on Saturday afternoon, the menu of which was:

a 12 inch thin crust sausage, bacon and pepperoni pizza

a house salad

3 more DIET cokes

So maybe it was that.

Or...

Maybe it was breakfasts 1 and 2, from earlier that morning:

A chocolate muffin the size of my head

A banana

Or...

Maybe it was Friday night's dinner at my cousin's 22nd birthday party:

3 pieces of smoked salmon

ceasar salad

a bag of peanut M & M's

three pieces of lactate free cookie cake

yet again, more DIET coke

So considering that list, I guess I'm not quite sure what caused me to be sick.

All I know is, I spent last week doing ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING. I couldn't eat. I couldn't shit. I tried Ex-Lax and that only cramped me up. I ate almost nothing for 6 days, other than Fiber One, which worked well to "evacuate" all of that shite out of my system.

Strangely, I still feel shitty. I'm supposed to go to the doctor today to see what's up with my stomach. Hope it's nothing serious.

But all medical diagnoses aside, I think I'll take a stab at the root of my recent digestive problems: I have some major issues with my eating habits.

This was brought to my attention when I read an article from O Magazine written by Dr. Phil. I've never read one of his articles before, but I think this one had my name on it. It was about losing weight. And although that's really not my issue right now, he did say something powerful, "Food is the most addictive substance the world has ever known."

Holy shit. That mustachioed putz was right. I have a problem. And it's gotta stop. I can't take it anymore. My body can't take it anymore. I think it's time that, once and for all, I start eating healthy.

Wow, I think I've just had a breakthrough! I think I'll celebrate by going to IHOP for a late breakfast of silver dollar pancakes. And a diet coke.

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THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM STUFF I'VE DONE

I'm going on a hunger strike.