A few rules for preparing, eating and sharing nachos

I've been a nacho connoisseur since I was 7. It all started at Brunswick Lanes in the 80's when I bowled on a Friday afternoon league. (FYI, I was an amazing roller. But that's not the issue here today...)

The issue is nachos. Nachos are quite possibly the world's most perfect snack. I did some research on the history of this food and discovered the following on Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia:

"Nachos were created in Piedras Negras, Coahuila, Mexico, according to a popular origin story, by Ignacio 'Nacho' Anaya in 1943. The story goes that the wives of American airmen came to his restaurant after the kitchen had closed. Anaya quickly prepared the dish and later added it to his menu. The term 'Nachos' came from what the dish was originally called, 'Nacho's Especiales,' or 'Nacho's Special Dish.' In its traditional form, it is a creation consisting of a quartered tostada topped with a layer refried beans and/or various meats and a layer of shredded cheese."

"Nachos became popular as a concession food after the development of a premade cheese sauce which eased preparation. The cheese sauce can be dispensed on top of the tortilla chips, but it is often simply offered as a dip."

"The first professional sports team to offer nachos in the concession stand was baseball's Texas Rangers. Nachos were cast into the spotlight by Monday Night Football's Howard Cosell. Cosell had purchased some nachos before a game and quickly used the word 'nachos' to describe a spectacular play."

Now that we've got the factual stuff out of the way, let's get down to the nitty gritty: rules for nachos.

RULE 1: There is a good probability that your chip supply will outlast your cheese supply, especially if your plate is served with a side cup of cheese. Take precaution by reducing your per-chip cheese coverage.

RULE 2: If you offer a free nacho to one of your friends and that friend steals the ONE enormous chip with all the cheese and like three peppers, end your friendship with that person.

RULE 3: Never let anyone take your first or last nacho. That's just wrong.

RULE 4: When preparing nachos for company, never use cheddar cheese. Not only does it dissapoint people but it's completely inconsistent with the name of the food. (It ain't called Cheddaros)

RULE 5: Always use your right index finger to scoop up the remaining cheese once your chip supply has diminished. If people at your table think that's gross, end your friendship with those people.

RULE 6: Never try to "fake" your nachos. People (especially kids) will know. The most common example of this ruse is when parents pile chips onto a plate, cover the surface area with 7 slices of Kraft American Cheese, put it in the microwave for 60 seconds and say, "Here's some nachos kids!" Horseshit! your children will say. Those aren't nachos, mom. That's a bunch of fuckin' chips with slices of Kraft over them. You better take your ass to the store with that shit!

RULE 7: When ordering nachos at a restaurant or sporting event, always try to get the extra cheese. Most restaurants will be happy to oblige, either during the prep process or as an additional side order for no charge. On the other hand, many ballparks have become chincy bastards when it comes to the extra cheese cup. Why, I remember when it was only a quarter to get extra cheese! Now it's like, $1.50. Unacceptable. So trust me, if you sweet talk that chick behind the counter, you should be able to get your little cup on the house, no problem.

---

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM STUFF I'VE DONE

Nachos aren't a snack - they're a way of life.